Are you afraid to succeed? STOP! Now you can shine!
Last week I told you that I'd finally realized that I was afraid to succeed, and from the numerous feedbacks I've received, I think I'm not the only one who's had this realization.
If you're one of them, know that I'm both happy to have been able to help you become aware of this fear and, at the same time, sorry that you're suffering from it 😢.
But that was before, as the other guy would say! Because today marks the beginning of the rest of your life when you're going to shine so brightly that everyone will be blinded. If they don't like it, they can just put on a nice pair of sunglasses. No more hiding in your little mouse hole for too long. No more self-flagellation and self-deprecating jokes that may make others laugh, but that put you down.
You have the right to shine, to succeed. The world needs your values and talents. Okay? 😉
Like last week, I'm going to draw on Barbara Sher's book I Could Do Anything and give you her advice on how to get rid of the fear of succeeding.
If you haven't read my article on the fear of success, I advise you to do so before reading this one, to fully understand the origin of this fear.
You have the right...no, the duty to cry
This is really the part I love most about Barbara Sher's technique: giving yourself the right to complain and cry.
We're bombarded with messages from personal development telling us to be strong, to move on, to become better versions of ourselves.
I agree with this, but all these injunctions to happiness and performance forget one thing, and one essential thing at that:
it's important to fully accept our pain
A personal anecdote before coming back to Barbara: I had a very, very bad experience of confinement. My husband was working and away all day, and I was looking after my 2 boys, who were very young at the time, at home... in the middle of a burnout/depression! I immediately understood that I had to embrace my malaise. I'd lock myself in my room to have a good cry and then come back to my boys. I understood that what I was going through, what we were collectively going through, was of unprecedented gravity, and that pretending nothing had happened would have the effect of a time bomb. I'm convinced that the malaise felt by many people today stems from this, but that's another story...
Anyway.
Let's return to Barbara Sher's recommendations.
She recommends going through this phase of sadness, even anger, towards the people who are at the root of your fear of success.
How can you do this? By rewriting your past through 2 exercises.
Exo 1: think back to a time when you gave up, when you made the “wrong” choice, the one that kept you from your dreams. Now imagine what your life would have been like if you hadn't given up, or if you'd made the right choice. Where would you be today? What would your life be like?
How would you feel? Often, there are 2 results:
you're sad, even devastated, thinking about what you've missed out on
you blame someone else for your bad choice
you blame yourself: “I've been a fool, I should never have done that”.
For now, just accept all your emotions. Feel your pain.
Exo 2: Write a play or a scene from a film in which your parents or brother, sister, teacher...in short, the person responsible for your unhappiness, listens to you and shows you empathy, unlike what happened in the past. Imagine the dialogues and everyone's reactions, always in “happy ending” mode, like in a good American Christmas series.
Reminder : Barbara Sher explains that even if we manage to make excuses for people who have hurt us in real life, this doesn't cure us of our fear of succeeding. You have to heal yourself. So don't force yourself to talk to your parents if you don't think they're capable of questioning themselves. Sometimes it's too late to do so, and you risk suffering even more. What is the purpose of these exercises?
Welcome your emotions and give them their rightful place: the grieving process (which is what we're talking about here) includes various phases, including those of grief and anger. This is an essential stage in the healing process.
understand your protective process: if you did everything you could to fail in the past, it was for a reason. For example, so as not to shine too brightly and overshadow your mother, who was suffering.
Doing these exercises stirs up a lot of emotions. That's normal and that's the point. So let yourself go. Cry, scream, shout. You have the right. It's your duty.
You've got to feel bad if you want to feel better afterwards.
Stop blaming yourself
When you think back on your past, you may say to yourself that certain things are your fault, that you had the power to make other choices.
But that's not true.
You were a child. Probably under someone's thumb. You had no choice.
Paradox: blaming ourselves is reassuring. It gives us the illusion of power, of complete freedom. But when we're children, we don't have that freedom. We don't have the freedom to heal that angry father, we don't have the power to make that brother not jealous of us.
To nurture your self-esteem, you have to accept :
that you had the right to be born into a loving environment
that you had the right to be respected, protected, encouraged and loved.
If you forgive your parents too soon, you shift the responsibility onto yourself, and that's what creates your fear of succeeding. Your parents (or those around you) may not have been the worst people in creation, but if they hurt you, you have a right to complain and feel anger and sadness.
Acknowledging it = key to stop blaming yourself for everything
The healing process
Now that you've allowed yourself to feel your sadness and anger, and recognized that it wasn't your fault, it's time to move on. Yes, you have to go through the anger phase, but staying there isn't healthy.
Here's the big lesson to remember:
You thought you were afraid of the future. But in reality, you were afraid of the past. Your fear of succeeding was actually a fear of reopening your wounds from the past. And boom!
As you know, healing from your fear of success won't be a linear path (nothing in life is, is it?). You're going to have relapses, moments when you think “what if something horrible happens and I lose everything?”. Tell yourself one thing: you're not afraid of the future. It's your past wounds that open up again.
When this happens, give yourself time to mourn your past. It means that wounds are still present. And that's okay.
Change takes time. You have to accept it. You're starting a new life, one where you allow yourself to finally be yourself, to believe in your dreams, to expand your comfort zone.
If need be (and this is often the case), surround yourself: either with friends, or with specialists to support you in this new life.
Barbara Sher also suggests strategies you can put in place.
👉 Redeem your guilt
If you feel guilty about doing something that was forbidden to you as a child (singing, dancing...), compensate by doing something “valued” by the outside world (work, housework...)
👉Use a decoy
Usually, when we're about to do something risky (like go for a job interview), we're encouraged to imagine a happy ending. Well, in this case, it's the opposite. Imagine that you're going to have a hard time of it, that it's going to be extremely difficult. Do it, but at the same time, do everything you can to get there! Imagine all the problems and, at the same time, the solutions. Going through this “suffering” phase helps to alleviate your guilt about succeeding. If, for example, your fear of success comes from a jealous brother to whom you didn't/shouldn't cast a shadow, by feeling this suffering, you're staying in the shadows for a while... and fooling your brain! Don't worry, though. The more you succeed, the less you'll need to go through that. But in the beginning, it can be a good way of daring to move forward.
Happy conclusion
Being yourself is a generous act. The world needs your wealth and talents.
You're like a violin.
You can either serve as a doorstop. Or make the world a better place by playing music.
Which is it to be?
Here goes. I hope all this helps you overcome your fear of success as it helped me. If you're upset about this, it's normal. You may need to talk to a mental health professional, because dealing with the past alone isn't always possible or desirable.
My favorites ❤️️
🌟A movie: Divorce on Netflix. A Polish film. The pitch: “Two ex-spouses find themselves at the mercy of the Church when they try to get the annulment of their marriage validated more than 20 years later.” It's funny and offbeat. A great time is had by all.
🌟A novel: The Truth and Other Lies by Sascha Arango. The pitch: “Adored bestselling author, fulfilled husband, generous friend: Henry would have a dream life if it weren't built on lies. An unfortunate chance encounter with a troublesome mistress threatens to topple the house of cards he's been patiently building. Henry is faced with a choice: reveal the truth to his wife, without whom he would be nothing, at the risk of losing everything. Or eliminate the obstacle...”. I really enjoyed this psychological thriller with a blood-curdling anti-hero.
Stay, I have one more question for you!
Did you know that I'm a writing coach? I help women entrepreneurs (or professionals) to write their own books.
My observation: bookshop shelves are full of books written by men. In Amazon's top 20 professional books, you'll find between 1 and 3 women max!
My mission : to help women dare to take the plunge and write a book, to be recognized as the experts they are, and to change the world through their values.
My question: are you interested in hearing about writing a pro book in this newsletter?
Thank you for reading. My name is Anne Bezon. I am a writer and a book coach for entrepreneurs. My mission with this newsletter is to inspire and encourage you to write the life that's right for you, without worrying about society's diktats.
To follow me on social networks -> Instagram and LinkedIn
To become a partner of this newsletter -> annebezonweb@gmail.com
