What if you were afraid of succeeding? I was, and I finally understood why.

Do you sometimes do everything you can to achieve a goal, only to give up just when you're about to succeed?

Do you tend to procrastinate a lot?

Do you learn a lot about a lot of subjects, without really putting them into practice?

Do you feel like a failure in general, even though people admire you?

Do “people” not understand why someone like you, with so much ability and talent, isn't more successful, or even fails again and again?

You know you're talented because you've already been noticed, but as soon as you get closer to your goal, you turn away to something else or declare yourself tired and give up?

If you've shaken your head at any of these suggestions, you may be suffering from a fear of success.

Is there really such a thing as fear of success?

That's the question I've been asking myself for years. I first heard about this fear when I became an entrepreneur and started taking an interest in personal development.

My initial reaction was that of most people:

It's really a rich person's fear! I'm not afraid of succeeding: I'd give anything to become a famous author. It's all nonsense. Just another self-help guru trick.

I confess: I was pretty reverent 😉.

I didn't recognize myself in the explanations and definitions I found. I was told that if I wasn't getting the results I was hoping for, it was because of my self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage? Moooooaaaa? Impossible. I was working like crazy, training like crazy, spending fortunes on coaching of all kinds. Of course I wanted to succeed. I was just waiting for it. If I couldn't do it, it was because...

❌ bad luck

❌ others better than me

❌ my life as a mom

❌ the full moon

And then, a few days ago, reading a book changed everything.

Yes, I'm afraid to succeed!

The book that changed my perception (I was going to say my life, but that sounds like a drama queen) is Barbara Sher's I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was, which was one of my favorites last week.

The promise of this book is to enable the reader to discover what she really wants and how to get it. I might as well tell you that in my quest for self-discovery, I had to read it. And I was not disappointed. This book is a nugget! Unfortunately, as far as I know, it hasn't been translated into French. One day, I'll try to give you an overall summary.

But for now, I'd like to focus on the chapter that talks about the fear of success. As I was saying, it was a revelation. As in, big slap in my g.... Finally, you get the picture.

Here's a summary of the chapter in Barbara Sher's book.

The context

The subtitle of the chapter says it all ⤵️

Leaving the ones you love behind.

Barbara Sher explains that very often, the fear of succeeding is linked to wounds from our childhood.

Here are 2 exercises to identify your self-sabotage.

Exercise 1: Backing away from success

Objective : make a chronology of your fear of success.

Note down on a sheet of paper your age from 5 years old to the present day. To keep it simple, just write down every 5 years. Write down every time you remember avoiding a success. If you don't remember such an event, write down an important event at that age (it could be something you're proud of).

The aim is to look at your life with fresh eyes, to ask yourself the right questions. When you've had a setback, are you sure you did everything you could to succeed? Did you dare to speak out? Did you persevere?

Be careful! The idea is not to get depressed or self-flagellate.

-> Giving up doesn't necessarily mean you're afraid of succeeding: sometimes, what seems like a great opportunity to others isn't really for you. If everyone is telling you to take a job you don't like at all, we agree that saying no is the right choice. On the other hand, if you were thrilled with the job and said no, then you're afraid of succeeding.

-> You're not responsible for everything: some things are out of your control. If you dream of being on Broadway and you can't make it, it's not necessarily your fault. Just the fact that it's HYPER difficult in general, for everyone.

-> Don't confuse it with fear of failure: you already think you'll fail? Then you can't be afraid of failure...because you're already doing it in your own eyes! You're not afraid of failure in general, you're afraid of failing at something you want to do. (I take my example as a writer: I'm afraid I'll never make it as a recognized author).

💡Success puts you in danger. By avoiding success, you avoid danger.

Exercise n°2: recognizing the voice

Visualize your dream/goal. Now say anything negative.

Taking my example:

“You can't make a living from your pen. Writing is not a profession.”

“A real profession allows you to earn a lot of money.”

Now ask yourself, whose voice is this? Because it's not yours. No, it could be a parent's (often the case), a teacher's, a friend's...

To find out :

-> Go back to your timeline (see exo 1) and try to see if someone else was around when you failed or gave up.

-> Ask yourself who this voice reminds you of?

Your childhood

This is the most important part of the chapter, the one that really helped me understand that I was suffering from a fear of success, and more importantly, WHY.

Warning.

We like to think that our childhood is far behind us and no longer influences our lives. But this is often not true. Especially in stressful situations and times. That's when our inner (primitive) child takes over and passes on his or her fears.

Fears of what? Here's the list.

👉 Fear of outsmarting someone you love

A boy who doesn't want to do better than his father. A daughter who doesn't want to earn more than her mother. It's all very common. The inner child is afraid of dethroning his parents from their pedestal.

💡Many girls still feel the tragedy of their mother's unfulfilled life and find it very hard to allow themselves to be happy, as if, by being happy, they were being disloyal to the person who made their success possible. 

👉Fears passed on by your family

Many of your ancestors may have experienced failure, and subconsciously you forbid yourself to succeed out of loyalty.

👉 You were a trophy

Your success doesn't belong to you. Curiously, if as a child your parents tended to repeat how proud they were of you, you may have interpreted this as a reappropriation of your success. You deny yourself success so as not to share it.

👉 Waiting to be saved

You put yourself in problematic situations in the hope of being saved. This is the case if, as a child, you felt you weren't helped.

👉 You've been the victim of jealousy

No, it's not a Care Bear world. Yes, some people are bad. You may have been envied by people close to you because you were too much of a shadow for them. As a result, you've developed a protective mechanism that pushes you not to succeed too much, so as not to upset anyone.

💡Jealous people think that if someone gets more than them, they get less, and you've bought into this idea: you think that if you get more, it's at someone else's expense. 

👉You're a woman (and women aren't supposed to be ambitious)

Society is making progress, but this pernicious stereotype continues to exist in some mindsets. It's the syndrome of the great poppy who outshines all the others and overshadows them...

👉Your parents were abusive

Unfortunately, not all parents are benevolent, and it's important to say so. Whether consciously or unconsciously, parents sometimes hurt their children. If you've experienced this, you may have developed guilt.

💡Your mind tells you that you must be guilty of something, otherwise you would have been loved. Trying hard and never getting anywhere gives you the unconscious satisfaction of doing penance.

Do you, like me, recognize yourself in some of these points? Does it echo your own experience?

When I read these passages, I was overwhelmed. I recognized myself several times and realized that yes, I was afraid to succeed.

If you've realized that you too suffer from the fear of success and that it stems from your childhood, I've got 2 pieces of news for you, a good one and a bad one. I'll start with the bad news.

❌ The people who hurt you can't heal you. Even if they ask your forgiveness today. It'll make you feel better, but it won't be enough. You'll have to heal on your own.

That's the good news.

✅You can do it! The child you've remained deserves all your love and compassion. Take time to grieve for the wrongs done to you. It's not a right, it's a duty. It's a necessary part of getting better and allowing yourself to succeed.

My favorites ❤️️

🌟A movie: CTRL on Netflix. A highly original Hindi film. The pitch: “Nella and Joe are the perfect influencer couple. But when he cheats on her, she turns to an AI app to erase him from her life - until she takes control.” I really liked the filming (90% of the film is seen through a screen) and the story in general, which is more than believable...unfortunately. Watch in VO for a change of scenery.

🌟A novel: Welcome to the Hyunam-dong Bookshop by Hwang Bo-reum. The pitch: “Yeongju had only one idea in mind. I must open a bookshop. In a picturesque district of Seoul, surrounded by books, Yeong-ju and her customers find refuge in the Hyunam bookshop, which becomes the place where everyone learns to live”. A feel-good novel about self-acceptance and the healing power of books.

Thank you for reading. My name is Anne Bezon. I am a writer and a book coach for entrepreneurs. My mission with this newsletter is to inspire and encourage you to write the life that's right for you, without worrying about society's diktats.

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