Heard about the empty nest syndrome ? There's one before.
And it's violent !
4:34. My 13-year-old son comes home from college. He puts his things down and gives me a quick “cuckoo”. I try a “How was your day?” He sends me back a “yeah” between 2 mouthfuls of cake.
4:38. He locks himself in his room to do his homework, listen to music and play with his friends online.
6:58. He finally shows up just to ask, “What's for dinner tonight?”
My teenager has become my housemate and I was totally unprepared.
Hello, I'm Anne Bezon, writer and writing coach. My mission with this newsletter is to inspire and encourage you to write the life that's right for you, without worrying about society's diktats.
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The Pre-Empty nest syndrome
Long before I became a mother, I was already familiar with empty nest syndrome. This phenomenon, which affects around 30% of parents, refers to the feeling of sadness and loneliness felt by the parent when the child leaves the family home.
higher education
new job
married life
Our baby is all grown up, and it's time for her to take flight and become independent.
The media are talking about it, there are books on the subject, and stars like Gwyneth Paltrow admit to suffering from it.
I was expecting to experience the same thing when my boys turned 18...not 13!
Where does the expression ‘pre empty nest' come from?
Just so we're clear, there's no such expression.
When I first started feeling unwell (I'll come back to my symptoms in a few seconds), I did a bit of research, figuring that someone had to be talking about it somewhere.
No luck. Nada. Rien.
But then, does that mean I'm the only one on earth who feels this way? I don't know all the other people on the planet (8 billion people to contact, that takes time, even with WhatsApp) and I'm not the queen of probas (I got a 4 on my last maths test).
But still... It's very likely that other people are going through the same thing as me. Right ?
And since I'm often the one who says out loud what people don't even dare to think, I'm not going to shy away.
I’ll say it loud and clear: before the empty nest syndrome, there's the pre -empty-nest syndrome.
When does it happen?
When children just aren't into it anymore. When they become more independent teenagers, when they need their privacy, when they lock themselves in their room, when they stop telling us about their day and spend their time with their friends.
In short.
When we hardly see them anymore. But I imagine you can feel it at other pivotal moments (don't hesitate to tell me if you do).
What are the symptoms?
👉 Feeling of loneliness
In the past, from the moment my boys came home from school, I was almost never alone. After snack and homework, it was time for games and activities, and then they'd settle down in front of the TV while I prepared dinner a few yards away.
From one day to the next (or so it seemed to me), I found myself alone. Desperate for all that free time. Stunned to see that there were TV programs on at 6pm.
👉 Loss of identity
If I'm not Mom anymore, who am I? Okay, I know I'm still their mom and deep down, they'll always need me. I'm just telling you what I felt, a real loss of identity.
👉 Global rethinking
At the end of 2019, I suffered a burnout, as a result of which I left national education (I had already decided not to continue even before my burnout). Today, I'm looking for myself professionally. I've done copywriting, ghostwriting, digital marketing, training... and right now, I don't know what I want to do with my life (well, I dream of making a living from writing, but I'm finding it hard to believe in my dream).
And now, on top of all that, my job as a mom is becoming part-time! So what's my role on this earth? What's my purpose? When people ask me what I do for a living, I don't know what to answer, and I don't like the fact that I don't fit into a box.
What if it's a good thing?
On the plane, I'm the one who puts the oxygen mask on others before putting it on myself.
I've never thought about myself.
Oh, I don't expect a medal for saying that!
1/ I'm like this because I wasn't allowed to think about myself.
2/ I know it's often counter-productive (who could I help if I've passed out from lack of oxygen?).
I've always gone for it. From the age of 11, I said I wanted to be an English teacher and I did everything I could to get there, until I passed the agrégation on the first try. Zero failures. I never asked myself any questions .... and that was a big mistake.
Now that my children are more independent, I have time to - finally - think about what I really want. And that's ex-fraying = exciting + frightening
My kids are on the right track (touch wood, monkey skin and rabbit's foot as I write this). Tape on my shoulder, I did a good job (with their dad of course). I may have lost a little of my health, but I have no regrets.
Today, the greatest gift I can give them is that I'm doing well and being a little selfish.
I also tell myself that I'm 'lucky' to be going through this now, because it prepares me for their real departure from home. The one that will hurt like a laser session on the bikini zone.
If you don't prepare yourself for these major life milestones (retirement being one of them), you run the risk of becoming depressed.
My favourites ❤️️
🌟A book : The grass is always greener over the septic tank by Erma Bombeck. An old book from the 70s about the life in the American suburbs. Made me laugh so much, loved it !!
🌟A surreal place : a ghost castle village in Turkey
🌟A series : The Queen of Tears or K-Drama at its best 😉
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